im going crazy.

ive realized that one of the only things that makes me really happy is playing music, but i don't want to try and do it for a living. why? because im too scared that if i try i will fail and i wont be left with anything to fall back on. honestly though, i could just sit with my guitar and play for hours and hours and be perfectly content, noone has to hear me or see me either, its not an attention thing, theres just something about music that makes me feel whole.

on the other hand im not prepared to live out of my car or sleep in the subways playing shows to try and get discovered. maybe because i know my family expects more out of me, iono. regardless i just wish i could find some way to make a living playing music, that would be the absolute paradigm of what could happen with my life.

rain

i love walking home from my bus stop. it incredibly relaxing for no particular reason. i guess maybe its like a break in between the stress of schoolwork and the stress at home from school.
it rained like crazy today so on my walk home i got to smell the smell of fresh rain, which is one of those smells thats really taken for granted.

i guess moral of the story is: taking a walk is relaxing and necissary. i love the smell of rain,( if u don't know it go smell the air after a hard rain and ull understand), and i really need to de-stress my life.

AAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

WHY CANT ANYTHING IN LIFE BE STRAIGHT FOREWORD?!?!

Things That Hurt The Most

maybe i'm wrong, but it seems like as bad as bad news hurts , it really doesn't hold a candle to finality. i suppose it is because with finality there is an innate loss of hope involved and i think, that for most people anyway, that seems to hurt worse than any sort of bad news that could be given. just a thought.

second guesses

recent events have got me thinking about people and what makes them tick. is it really possible that a few traumatic events can turn a normal person into a lunatic bent on destroying lives like theres had been destroyed? or is it more that they were already like that and just needed a trigger? and if thats the case, how many people are out there that just need a trigger? its so difficult to stay positive about the world when i see stuff like this, it just doesnt make sense to me that people can be driven to the point where they are no longer people but rather more like animals.

how is that people's feelings can change so drastically in such a short period of time?

strange.

so last night i couldn't sleep. and it was because i was thinking alot, sounds normal except i had no idea what i was thinking about. it felt rather like my brain was goin nuts and i didnt have anything to do with whatever it was doing. it was a really bizzare experience and i dont know if i even articulated it right but that was seriously strange.